I don't know how you guys celebrate in your family, but in ours, we have adopted a tradition on my side of the family of celebrating "birthday week". It just basically means that you have a good excuse for any little treats because it is, after all, your birthday week...and I think everyone should have a birthday week!! If we had more money I would want to go out a couple times, have a few more Starbucks, have a little extra fun, ya know? My birthday week officially started yesterday:)
{on my 30th birthday last year}
I thought I would use this week to reflect a little on the past year. My first year in my 30's!!
I thought I would start on some of the hard times this past year first and then to the more encouraging positive ones!
It was probably one of the hardest years in my life, to be honest.
So much happened that was out of my control, that hurt so much, and I cried...a heckofa lot!
The reason we moved out to Colorado fell apart.
My side of the family had a lot of hard things come down the pipe and everyone was in a sense, broken. Every time my dad called me I braced for something hard to hear.
I lived in a very dark apartment which almost trapped me in a very dark time.
I was/am a stay at home mom and had(still have) no car.
We had no family out here, I felt very alone.
My depression hit an all time high, I was having panic attacks in public and I literally hated myself.
I was mad at God, and didn't even have the energy to really find out why, I just was. I think I just hurt so bad and so deeply that it hurt to explore, so I just ignored it.
I signed up for a half-marathon, paid for it, and could not bring myself to train for it...so I dropped out.
I gained at least 20 lbs if not more, I wasn't really keeping track if you know what I mean.
I finally went to see a psychiatrist who prescribed me some anti-depressants and began taking them...they helped pull me out of whatever pile of dark funk I was sitting in.
It makes me want to cry just remembering how hard it was. I was really good at hiding it, because I knew in my logical brain that was not what people expected of me, that wasn't who I was...so keep being who I was. But slowly that person slipped away and the broken person I was would seep out like a balloon with a tiny hole in it. That broken person was a big mess, and I desperately wanted to be loved in spite of my messiness, in spite of my brokenness, but it's hard for some people to understand that.
There were so many hard things going on, that in my mind, I had no business being broken or needing anything. So I stuffed it and stuffed it and broke who I was even more.
The reason I write these things down to remember is where I never want to go back there again. That although I will never be able to control outside circumstances and things that hurt me, that I don't cease to matter just because my circumstances seem less important. That I can still care for myself even if others can't. I can't wait for someone else to validate my feelings, they are valid simply because I am alive and I matter. This is something that is so hard to keep grasp of when you are battling depression.
More than anything, to remember that the story is never over until it's over. That I still, in fact, did have strength in me, that I could reclaim my life...and I feel like I am on the path to doing that. I know I will always struggle with things, but I am a strong woman, and I am not going to just lay down and take the horrible thoughts that filled my mind about myself.
So what if I had quit so many things in my life, so what if I had failed at things in life...those were moments of failure, I was not a failure as a person.
And God, well He and I are on a journey of healing as well. I feel his tenderness towards me and the strongest words I have heard from Him in the past 4-5 months are "Perseverance girl, you got it in you". If I know anything I know He has allowed me to go through this for one main reason, to be filled with overflowing compassion for those who struggle in a similar way. The moment you have to walk through any moment in life with a broken heart is the moment you sense, empathize, and have compassion with those who also must walk that path for the rest of your days. And sometimes there are no words for those times, nothing fixes them, no easy answers, but just knowing someone is there.
And I know He is showing me He was there, mostly because I see Him here now. In the hope that my story is not over, and there is and was purpose in every hard and heart broken step I took. And that the dark doesn't last forever, and joy does in fact come in the morning.
I think this song perfectly describes the whole thing....
Rascal Flatts: Stand
