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It's Time.... {Long, Emtotional, Proceed with Caution}

Here I am all....

last week I wrote a post that I had every intention of posting, but I went in to edit it and then never re-scheduled it. Just writing it was very cathartic and releasing for me, but I have decided it is kind of repetitive in regards to similar things that I have been posting so I will just leave it.

The short of it is, I am going to be giving up my features that I have held here for a while, I just don't want to do them anymore. So many of you encouraged me about this being my blog and I am remembering that. I feel like I had to let go of being in the lane of keeping up with "blogging Betty" whomever she may be, and I also know what it takes to keep your blog "growing" but I am just not feeling that right now.

So....

I am going to be authentic to me, and my life.

Like I said in THIS post, I just needed some time to work on me, to change the page, to start new, to get healthy in my mind, body and spirit. And in the name of keeping with authenticity it's time to share what I have been up to these last couple months.

Now, those reading this may think...

"so what?"

There are other who will NOT relate to this post whatsoever.....

and I am such a place right now that I do not care what

one 

soul

reading this

thinks about me....

I don't! 

This is my story, my pain, my journey, my blog.

But for me this is a really big deal.

You see ever since I had my son I have struggled with depression. 

There are many older posts about that if you wish to read them. 

The biggest factor, or one of them, has been my issues with weight. 

I have never seen myself as thin or athletic. 

I was a cheerleader in highschool and that was in its own way a form of sport, and I enjoyed it, but I wouldn't label myself an athlete through this. 

If you ask my friend Amy, she thought I was jock before she met me. I have played a "LITTLE" of every sport, but I was mostly a bench warmer and things like getting cut from your jr high basketball team can leave an awkward girl devistated.

All through my adolescent days I never ever wanted to play any kind of games that were athletic for two very good reasons in my head. 

1) I would look fat and ridiculous playing them and everyone would feel sorry for me and secretly laugh

or 

2) I would look like a loppy fool.

Granted some people are just naturally more athletic than others, 

and I am on the leaner end of that spectrum of talent.

But these two thoughts kept me on the sidelines of life. I did not want people to see me look like a fool. I did not want to feel like a fool. So very rarely when it was time to play volley ball, go swimming at the beach, go rock climbing, did I participate. In my mind, I was never going to be loved by a man either, because they only wanted the most athletic skinny, beautiful girls.

You see, I grew up around exercise. My mom taught Jazzercise from when I was in elementary school. The topic of food, weight loss, and the like were highly discussed amongst the women in my family from as far as I can remember. And it doesn't take a little girl long to come to the realization that she doesn't measure up.

The thing that makes me the saddest about any of this, is that I stopped it from letting me live my life to the fullest many times. Things that I probably would have enjoyed doing if I had just not worried about it. If I had just had a better self image, 

I wasn't BIG I just wasn't SMALL! 

But I learned early on the girls who were worth the most were the ones who were skinny, and in my mind, that wasn't me. So I would rather not parade my deficit in front of anyone.

Fast forward to meeting my husband. 

I was thin(ner) when I met him. Isn't that funny, and in some ways I want to tell myself he never would have been attracted to me if I hadn't been because there is nothing worth loving in a fat girl. But fell in love we did and we were married within the year. 

(By the way he is the most loving and humble man to ever walk the earth and I know he does love me, really ME, and not just how skinny or fat I am)

4 months after we were married I was pregnant and for someone with deep seeded body issues that I denied were ever really there, or just refused to look at, this was a strange and heart wrenching place for me to be in.

Here is a time when I was just getting used to being a wife, and loved wholly for me and learning to love and be in that role, and all of a sudden I was going to be a mommy! On top of this HUGE responsibility I now had no control over my body for 9 months, living with a man I'd known a year and that scale was going to creep up no matter what.

I felt horribly ugly when I was pregnant, and isn't it just the way that when you are most vulnerable (and not to mention HORMONAL) pregnancy becomes a time when people feel it is necessary to comment endlessly on your body, touch it, stare at it. I would hold my breath when I knew I wasn't showing yet, but that tummy I was able to camouflage with clothing for my ENTIRE life, now, people were assuming this was the baby bump. I just wanted to hide. Thinking of it now makes me want to cry. 

Insensitive jerks asking me at 3 months if I was going to have twins cause I was "so big", the comment of "wow you have gained  A LOT of weight", the swelling, the acne, the spreading nose. For others who may not have struggled their whole life with body image may not get it, but to me it broke me and it broke my heart.

As soon as I had him I was going to prove all those jerky haters wrong and I started working my butt off as soon as my c-section was healed. I lost nearly all of my baby weight in about 6 months.

I started running. 

I loved it.

I was good at it.

I wanted it to be MY thing, 

something I could finally be good at, 

something that I could do in front of other people and not be ashamed.

My mom started running, all these other people started running, and even though there is nothing wrong with that, and its so great for them and what is the big deal, I started to break again. 

Here I was with an infant, and here are these people with virtually no time constraining, pressing responsibilities in the same way as a baby. 

Not only that, but we were broke as a joke. 

I just felt like I couldn't keep up with the things I needed, the time I needed, I couldn't take the pressure of feeling like it was some sort of competition. 

On top of this, which I am sure had much to do with it, I was dealing with the post-partum which I am sure heightened everything. I felt like the world was against me, that I would always be a failure, that no one in this world, especially me would ever believe in me. 

What was I good for? 

There is always someone prettier,

skinnier, 

more athletic, richer,

more spiritual, 

more important, 

to love...

what would the point be??

I tried so hard to be a good mom, but it was tough. 

My husband really saved me so many times through this hard time of early morning and endless crying.

I just wanted to be OK, I wanted to be enough. 

I would watch 

A Snoodles Tale from Veggie Tales 

where everyone painted a picture of him that was mean and wrong

and put it in his backpack to carry around, and it weighed him down. 

Then he meets the creator and he burns all those pictures and paints a picture of him strong and brave and able to fly, and tells him it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you. 

Only what I think of you. 

I would cry every day watching this as I felt my life was falling apart. 

I didn't feel I was good enough to be loved by anyone, and people seemed to act this way as well in my life, they still needed me...

i still tried to give, but there was just nothing. 

I was so so empty and needy and I just didn't know what to do.

Then smack dab in the middle of this we moved to Colorado to start a church. Great idea. 

I knew I wanted to keep losing weight and feel better about myself, but more than that I wanted to know that who I was was ok, no matter what. 

That somehow I was worth being on this earth. 

I forgot to ask God to paint me a picture, so I just carried around the picture I perceived others had painted for me. 

A fat one, 

an angry one, 

one of a quitter,

one of a loser,

one of a failure, 

and this is all I thought about for a year.

And this is what I became.

And the more I thought about how, yes, actually, this IS the person I am...

the more I did not see a reason why I was here. 

I still didn't ask God for a picture, 

but I asked others to help me and I just felt continally rejected, 

over and over and over...

just compounding what I already thought of myself.

Yes, in a healthy brain these people's actions would have been every day normal....

but to me they were like being punched in the gut. 

It hurt me so incredibly bad, even though I knew in the deep part of my logic that they weren't intentionally hurting me, I was still hurt. 

I was just hurting in general. 

I wanted someone to not want me to die, I wanted someone to tell me why I mattered in the world.

But what I didn't understand was that, this was a long time coming. 

This was years of lies told to me, years of paintings on my back, and if you add just a touch of depression in the mix the whole thing just crumbles.

You can only act strong for so long.

I went and got some help, and it did help..i only went once, but it was enough. 

We moved, we went on vacation, some of my family moved out here with us. 

It was enough.

Before the New Year I asked the Lord to awaken me. 

Wake me up to the lies I have been believing, wake me up to who I am,

who He made me. 

I don't want to wander around life anymore in a fog, a spectator, a victim. 

And He has started.

The thing is, it's a process. 

I don't get better in a day, or a week, but day after day, week after week...he is showing me, He is so patient with me. 

I am willing to walk through it, no matter how slow we must go, or how long it must take.

This is what I have been walking through these past couple months.

It's extremley personal, but I believe their is power in vulnerability and also power in sharing our pain because nothing I have said needs to be held in shame or cloaked in darkness.

I am losing weight, I am focusing on health, I am training for a marathon.

Week in and week out, one day at a time, I get stronger every. 

I don't do it to be loved more,

I don't do it to be with the "in" crowd,

I don't do it so "so and so" can find me acceptable, 

I am doing it so I can live my life

awake.

I am doing it because I am strong. 

I am doing it because I am not defined my anyone's opinion of me.

I am doing it because I can be an athlete, regardless of my past. 

I am doing it because I am only 30 and I have a lot of life left to live.

I am doing it because I am a gosh darn FIGHTER. 

I am doing it because I am not going to be defined by my mistakes. 

I am doing it because I am not perfect, but NO ONE is! 

I am doing it because I can overcome. 

I am doing it because I AM A RUNNER! 

I am doing it because

with God, NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE. 

I am doing it because I AM ALIVE! 

I am doing it because Jesus came to save me,

I am the one who who SAT IN DARKNESS, 

who He is bringing into light! 

I was the one in chains, 

who He is SETTING FREE! 

My life is not over, and 

I will BE with I AM.

So this blog will be now spliced with some running, some inspiration quotes, some recipes perhaps, and just my journey.

I would love for you to come along, be free with me. 

I appreciate all and any support.

Much Love, 

Ashley

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Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

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Why you need to buy from Polkadot Pretties {Changing Pad}

I don't know about you, but I am always on the lookout for something unique and individual for myself, as gifts, etc.

 I don't want another thing exactly like 500 other people have. 

You know what I mean? 

That is why I love Etsy and all it's many personalized options and 

this is what I love about Claire's shop

 "Polkadot Pretties"

She has such fun items in her shop and they are very well made!

I was privileged to review this super cute baby girl changing pad!

{Not that I am pregnant, but I am sure I will want to buy one if I ever do have a girl}

It came in the cutest packaging and had this adorable carrying case. So easy to slide into your diaper bag and slide out when the little miss needs a change and there you have your unique baby changing pad! 

{ooohs and ahhhs}

Inside the pad itself was just as cute with the sturdy hot pink ribbon holding it all together.

You simply untied and it is ready for use.

Very well made, soft, and so so cute!

Claire is

re-launching 

her shop TODAY
where she will have completely

 new fabrics and designs!

She will also be introducing some really nice 

Canvas tote bags that will make excellent diaper bags ;)

Check out her shop HERE!

She will be offering free post and packaging on any orders from this post!

My little changing pad will be making it's home with my new niece, 

Peyton Kay, 

who is due any moment now!

 I know she will enjoy it!

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A Face without freckles is like a sky without stars....

This song came on my Pandora today and it reminded me of this video I made over a year ago when I was really struggling with my self-esteem.

It's to Natasha Bedingfields "Freckles" and I made it with pictures I like of myself and ones that I really really really don't like of myself, because all those are parts of me. I can't be ok with some parts of me and not all parts of me.

"A face without freckles is like a sky without the stars, why waist a second not loving who you are. Those little imperfections make you beautiful, valuable, lovable, they show your personality inside your heart, reflecting who you are!"

Why waist a minute? 

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Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

{via}

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Today is a new day with no mistakes in it...

If you haven't seen Anne of Green Gables or Anne of Avonlea

 it is so worth your time,

 find them, 

watch them,

 be swept away.

 I have watched them numerous times and would love to watch them again soon. 

Maybe when I go home to my parents I will borrow them for a while.

One thing Anne always says is 

"today is a new day with NO mistakes in it" 

and I have always liked that. It is the same concept that the Bible says about the Lord

 "His mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness".

 And I recently heard someone has a sign on their desk 

{at this moment who eludes me}

 but it says

 "Yesterday is gone".

 For all it's successes for all of it's failures, it's gone.

 

{via}

I love this blog, and more than the blog itself I love the people who I have met through blogging. In my need for time away I feel like I have let many of you down and you would know how if you are one of them. I don't like people being upset with me, or annoyed with me...but when I know they probably are...I tend to avoid the situation sometimes. For that I am sorry.

Another reason I have been avoiding the blog is because, sometimes I feel like people I know in REAL life use it as a way to "spy" on me, for a lack of a better term. Don't get me wrong, I do these things too, it is the way of social media these days and I know there is no real harm in it. But part of me just wanted to work things out within me, in my own life, without everyone having to know. I am a very vulnerable "out there" person, and usually I am very OK with this. But sometimes I want people to want to know whats going on in my life because they care about me, not because they are nosy and can cure their curiosity about my life from the tidbits they have picked up online. Does that make ANY sense? It seems dumb, but I can't seem to really get on this blog without revealing my soul, and so I have been avoiding it for the sake of a little privacy. 

{via}

I needed time to let myself feel healthy again, rejuvenate, and not do it because I knew people were watching, expecting, judging or anything else, just doing it...for me.

I am feeling so much better these days and feel as though I am in a new chapter of my life altogether, thanks to the Lord, I know He is setting me up for success. And yesterday as I was getting ready for a date with my husband I felt like myself again for the first time in a long time. Strong, more confident, able, and like my mom reminded me it's like the line in Hook where you see yourself, who you really are and it's like "Oh THERE YOU ARE ASHLEY!"

The process is still churning, still happening, still changing, growing, learning, trusting, etc. I have more of me that I want to share with you, and I will soon I think.

I am going to be re-starting some of my regular features....

{via}

And if you have actually made it to the end of the post and would like to advertise with me for free for the month of February please email me. I will take the first five I get and they will include guest posts/giveaways.

Here is to new chapters!

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10 Blogging Tips from the Blogging World

Thursday's I have in the past usually had some sort of

 Blogging Tips or Tricks, 

so today I thought I would share some of the great ideas I have come across

 in the blogging world.

 I hope they benefit you as much as I have enjoyed them!

How NOT to blog: Bake at 350 :

a tongue in cheek post about all the "supposed" do's and don't of blogging and then her actual advice 

{kinda love her sarcasm;}

Networking and Guest Posting and WHY it's important: AdelynSTONE :

a great post about making friends in the blogging community and how sharing your work is important

Top Tips for Beginner (and Experienced Bloggers)-Honesty in blogging, networking for bloggers and more: Brunch at Saks: a "how-to" guide to blogging.

Ten Blogging Tips: Oopsey Daisy :10 great blogging tips!

How to Get Blog Subscribers:David Airy: How to grow your readers

5 Tips for Bloggers: A Beautiful Mess

9 Lessons from a 2 Year old Blogger:ColorMeHappy: 

at the end of this article she also has other great tip links!

{via}

10 Things about Your Blog that Drive Me Crazy:Beautifully Invisible: 

You may have heard these before, but sometimes good to remind ourselves what can be a turn off to our readers or first time visitors.

{via}

Blog Comments-Things to Remember Before you Leave a Comment:Princess With a Pen:

 The importance of commenting

Guest Posting Secrets: Dave Lucas: 

good insights on guest posting and the quality of them

Have you written any blogging tips?

Share the link in the comments or a link to your favorite and I will share them next week!

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I want to learn it myself....

Call it pride, for that is most likely what it is, but I don't really like to be told what to do. I suppose no one REALLY likes to be told what to do, or that they are wrong, doing something wrong, living life wrong. That is why I love people who you come across in life who may have advice from you, but are so gentle with the way they approach you that you don't feel immediately turned off.  I believe there are ways to respect people and still differ from them. I know its rarely done, but I think it is possible. Just because someone hasn't come to the same conclusions as you, doesn't mean they won't, and it also doesn't mean they are stupid or you are better than them. This is what I feel many times. 

{via}

And sometimes it is just me, I tell myself how stupid I am or at least let myself feel stupid for not knowing or measuring up. But then, how could I possibly ever agree or come to the same conclusion as everyone I ever meet. Just because I want people to like me, doesn't mean I have to agree with them to like them. Many times these things go hand in hand. If you do not agree with me, I can not be your friend. Why?

Anyways, there are many things that I am WRONG about in life, I learn, I adjust, I grow. How sad it would be to just be so stubborn that I refused ever to grow...but I really like to learn things on my own. I might come to the same conclusion some other person has told me about in my life...but if I feel like they are coming across as "I am better, more knowledgeable, and therefore better than you" my rebellious spirit rises up in me and I want to think, believe, run in the OPPOSITE direction!

I remember when I was a freshman in college and my mom and I would fight a lot. She wanted me to save my money, learn this lesson or that by what she "TOLD" me. I didn't want to be told how to learn from life, I wanted to learn myself. I think this is normal and healthy even, I wanted to learn these things from maybe falling down in life, getting back up and maturing on my own. Even if she was right.

I want to know why I should do something or why I shouldn't, and I want to know that I have come to these conclusions on my own. I don't want to be mindless about anything.

Recently I have been learning things that I think are beneficial and wise for my life. And you know what, they are things that I was pretty annoyed about when other people told me I HAD TO do them. I think it was more the feeling that I got from how they came across when they told me.

I think this is an important lesson for me to learn as well, for surely I am not the only one that feels or learns this way. Gentleness is greatly under appreciated. Everyone is the rightest, and I don't know about you, but I don't back down from fights...usually. If you want to get into it, I almost get a high from going toe to toe with you. (Yeah I am one of those, good bad or indifferent) I kinda, like confrontation. And part of me probably always will because of this mysterious high that fills my heart and blood when people "be gettin' crazy".

This is a lovely family quality many of us share....

BUT, when I was struggling with my depression it was almost like my fight was still there, but I felt like a beat down soul cowering in the corner. Instead of fighting for what I believed or thought, I was fighting for worth, acceptance, love. I just wanted to feel OK, that even though I was hugely broken, ignorant, ridiculous, emotional, etc. that I still deserved or had a reason to be here. I wanted others to speak that to me, and I was mad that they wouldn't, that I wasn' t worth their time. (Not everyone all the time, but a lot of people a lot of the time)

The thing is, I will want to continue to come to my own conclusions in life. So many things in our life define us and we really are like that piece of clay being molded by the Lord. We are molded by this experience, by this piece of knowledge, by this one truth speaking person, etc. We are broken and rebuilt with new perspective, new eyes, more refined...sometimes by very hot fire. And these things are our own journey's. We can be taught and want to learn to some extent, but it isn't till we walk through certain things that we gain other valuable things in our life like...empathy and compassion where before stood only thoughts, opinions, judgement.

And you know what, it's great to change, it's OK to grow, it's OK to come to the same conclusions as someone who "told you so", because I hope that means, at least for me...I have come to that place through my own study and learning. It doesn't mean you join in on the ignorant bashing of those who haven't and it also doesn't mean you are now becoming the people you didn't appreciate before. It just means you are changing and growing and learning and wanting to love life and others better.

{via}

That can never be a bad thing.

Anyone else have to learn things on their own, or is it just me? ha ha

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Inspiration Quote Silent Sunday

{via}

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