It's been a long while now since I wrote a "personal" post on here. I am not sure why except facing what I really feel and putting it down in words is sometimes harder to sit down and do than just doing something that doesn't take as much heart. But tonight, in the middle of the night, I can't sleep so I thought maybe at least it would be cathartic for me to write....
Things are are hard for us right now, financially, and if you are a woman you may know that means things are just plain...hard. I numb my mind all day looking through want ads hoping to find hope, the answer. We can't afford to live where we are living anymore and it makes me sad because I really love it here, and even sadder that anywhere we can afford doesn't seem so appealing. So if I am not looking for jobs, for myself or a new one for my husband, I am looking for a new apartment, and maybe some hope.
{via}
I know I need to do something to help financially, but I just feel stuck. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 2.5 years and stopped working even before he was born. I realize this has been a blessing, but I also feel as though I now have nothing of value to offer in the way of helping our family financially. I feel like I want God to come in and help us, and I just don't see His help, and that makes me sad and frustrated with Him too. Being in a place where you don't have enough to pay your bills is a very insecure place to be, and I need some hope, I need to see rescue coming our way, I need some relief.
I know it's not on Craigslist, but I keep looking there, like it will be.
And your not supposed to talk about my finances, were all supposed to be pretentious and let everyone think we're fine, or most likely its our pride... because I don't want anyone to know my son has outgrown his shoes and I can't afford to buy him new ones or have enough gas to exchange the ones someone else has bought him for us. It's humiliating....
And maybe that's the real issue, that I am humiliated that we can't live an American life whilst living in America. And I know people do it every day, or people just choose to live beyond their means in order not to be humiliated. But it's a matter of pride when we can't go out to coffee with friends because we don't have money for it, because we actually have to buy bread instead.
And its humiliating to write this post because someone I know will offer to take me to coffee or give us grocery money, but that doesn't change the problem, that doesn't give me hope, that doesn't resolve the fact that it will be more of the same thing next week.
And my heart hurts, it hurts more about it then I want to admit, until tonight...at 2:13 in the morning when I can't sleep and feel a desperation to do something but so helpless to do anything. I think more than anything else, is that I feel like the Lord isn't helping us. And yes, self, I know there are far much worse off people than us, but it doesn't change the fact that it's still hard and it still hurts...and I'm still scared, and I am still mad and frustrated, and worried, and feel like there is a weight on my chest that prevents me from breathing.
And in the middle of all this, I am supposed to be trying to at least think about wanting to get pregnant again, yet how can I? How am I supposed to think about becoming a mom again when I just need to find away to buy new shoes for the son i already have, not be given them. And when are things going to get better, because I just feel like it has been one hard thing after another for so very long.
And I know life isn't meant to be a walk in the park, and I know its not easy for anyone...and I know, that I know that I know all the right answers and encouraging things to tell myself as I would tell someone else, but all I can think are the words from a Nichole Nordeman song....
"but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright...
oh great God, be close enough to feel you now
all praise and all honor be
to the God of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history ...
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"
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13 beautiful responses:
Thank you so much for your honesty! I, too, have thought about writing something like this because I am in the exact same boat. I have four little ones and cannot work outside the home (one of my kids has special needs and needs me at home) and even though I used to be a lawyer at a huge global firm, I am penniless. I, too, wonder where the new shoes will come from. But I am learning that I can make do with less, and it is hard, and I am glad to know there are others out there, like you, who get it. Hang in there, mama!
This post really touched me, we also have financial problems and it's hard to stay (or pretend to be) positive all the time and just be grateful for what we have. We are living in Croatia right now but I just keep thinking if we were back in the States, maybe we'd be able to get higher paying jobs. For now we're here and I've been having a hard time being grateful for what I do have.
As for you, what about doing some work online so you can telecommute? Look for a touristic website for the area you live in and write articles for them? Or if you're blog savvy, maybe you can offer blog services? Maybe you can even do some import/export work - buy goods cheaply somewhere and then sell them on ebay or something. I don't know, I just want to offer you a lending ear. Don't be humiliated, you are so so so brave for being so honest. I wish you were here in Croatia so I could have someone to talk honestly with. As simple as it sounds, try to take some deep breaths, sigh, and let it all out. As much as I bask in my misery sometimes, it's good to do that deep breathing. It really helps.
Oh girl, I'm so sorry you're going through such hard financial times! Please know that you are not alone! I almost smiled a little when I started to read this post because I, too, was up in the wee hours of this morning contemplating a post on my own blog to vent about my frustrations with today's society. So many of us (myself included) are finding it difficult to make ends meet without going into crazy debt, yet it feels like we have to "keep up with the Jones'" all the time. SAHM's now own $500 DSL-R cameras because the point-and-shoot I have isn't good enough. People are posting picture after picture, tutorial after tutorial on how to jazz up the already magnificent-looking homes they just moved into, making those of us with humble but blessed roofs over our heads feel inferior. It's just getting out of hand!
All that being said, I pray that God will bring you the answers you seek so very soon. Keep your chin up and don't give up hope yet! The last thing I want to do is offer you advice on what kind of work to look for because, as I all-too-well know, it's always easier said than done. I will throw one thought out there, though, that has sometimes helped us bring in extra cash, and that is substitute teaching. I'm not sure what your state's requirements are, but in Virginia you just need to have a certain number of college credits completed and you're set! What's nice is that we have an online system where you can go on at your leisure, select any job that might fit into your schedule, and you earn a (somewhat) easy $60-$90 a day. Pretty flexible for SAHM's. Something that might be worth looking into! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and letting women like myself know that I am not alone in these same struggles!
Oh sweet friend....I COMPLETELY understand your feelings. This summer I watched our pantry get almost bare, along with our fridge and freezer. It was hard to take. I was sad, embarrassed, stressed, etc...exactly what I'm sure you are feeling. We are so blessed that in our time of need my Grandma jumped to our rescue...but I feel what you said, that doesn't fix the problem. And I totally agree with what Kim said...about owning the expensive camera, and fixing up already impressive homes. :( It's just a difficult world we live in. I'm so very sorry you are hurting and that your mind is so focused on it right now.
Have you thought about babysitting? I keep a little boy each week and it has helped us out so much. It's not tons of money, but it is enough to keep us fed. I will keep you in my prayers. Thanks so much for sharing your heart with your readers.
Praying for God's blessings over you and your family!
you are not alone! we're dealing with financial stuff too and it's so hard. it'll end up ok.. just gonna take time. *hugs*
its hard to open up about these types of things. thanks for sharing. i will be praying for you ... that God will show you how he is lining everything up to be ok, that he is preparing and molding you for something great!
Your honesty and genuine qualities are such a beauty, Ashely! <3 I think so many relate to your words, this difficult time and the hardship that finances really can cause...especially in this economy, you are not alone! Hang in there and know that I'm sending big hugs your way!!! :)
I honestly have no idea how I found your blog but I read it often. I pray you find peace. I pray you understand the Lord is with you. Sometimes He carries us and sometimes He walks with us. You will make it through a little at a time. I work in Human Resources so if you need me to help review your or your husbands resume please let me know.
Thoughts, prayers and love sent your way.
Everything always works out. It might not be how you want it to be or how you planned but once you let it go and put everything in his hands it will work out.
I just recently found your blog and love your tutorials. I'm sitting here tonight reading your post and it is touching. I myself have been in this very same boat recently feeling a lot of the feelings that you just expressed. I have had to work out of the home since my two boys were born working two jobs at times and not being able to spend valuable time with my children because I have to provide for them. I've been looking for something more. I want to be able to provide but also be able to be home with my kids. The answer for me came in direct sales. It is unconventional and people tend to scoff at this idea but ive found it to be extremely financially rewarding if you are willing to put the work in. I am an independent beauty consultant for Mary Kay. The company is founded on the beliefs of God first, family second, and career third. This may be something for you to look into, being able to provide financially but still be home with your son:) if you are interested please email me at alinford@marykay.com. Keep your chin up tough times do get better. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I just recently found your blog and love your tutorials. I'm sitting here tonight reading your post and it is touching. I myself have been in this very same boat recently feeling a lot of the feelings that you just expressed. I have had to work out of the home since my two boys were born working two jobs at times and not being able to spend valuable time with my children because I have to provide for them. I've been looking for something more. I want to be able to provide but also be able to be home with my kids. The answer for me came in direct sales. It is unconventional and people tend to scoff at this idea but ive found it to be extremely financially rewarding if you are willing to put the work in. I am an independent beauty consultant for Mary Kay. The company is founded on the beliefs of God first, family second, and career third. This may be something for you to look into, being able to provide financially but still be home with your son:) if you are interested please email me at alinford@marykay.com. Keep your chin up tough times do get better. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Hi Ashley! Wow, my heart just aches reading your post; although I appreciate the honestly. I didn't grow up with much and I have known tough times, but I ALWAYS looked to God for His strength and had faith. It's only been my mom and I growing up and I can say that without Him, I have no idea where we'd be; He has truely brought us out of difficulties.
Please know that you are in my prayers, keep your faith up, and don't let go of it. Stay and speak positive!
Much love,
Ashlie
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