Marathon Anxiety

OK I am having super anxiety about my running, so I thought I would write about it in order to get it out of me...I HOPE! 

This past week has been super hard for me, I think the hardest of all my training, mostly mentally or psychologically. I am sure it was a combination of a lot of things but it makes me nervous. For one, that 20 mile run took its toll on me. I have been exhausted all week, but more than that...because I ended it walking and feeling defeated by it, I feel mentally and physically unprepared to run the full marathon. I ran 4.5 on Sunday and had 8 on Tuesday, which I could also BARELY finish. 

I have been sick since Easter with this cough, congestion sickness, and I assume running in all kinds of weather while being sick has not helped this at all. Thankfully, the cough doesn't feel as in my lungs and chest as it has this morning, but I was wondering if it might have been Bronchitis because one of the symptoms of that (according to the all knowing internet) is lethargy...which I felt ALL week.

I have read as many articles about the whole thing as I can find and asked my marathon running friend about her advice in attempts to ease my fears. The overall message I am getting is that it's the ramping up of the miles previously that is what really matters and that missing or shortening runs during tapering won't matter too much to the actual race. But it still scares me, a lot!

I think for me, it is just the unknown, and also that I feel burnt out. I am not sure if it was the 20 miles that did it to me and being out there on my feet for four and half hours or what, but it was like my subconscious was like "OK, you finished your 20..time to relax, you are DONE!" but I am far from done. "Uhh hello self, remember that 26.2 you still have to run that you have been training ALL this time for!!??"

It's freaking me out. I decided to take one day off of training this week, a 4 mile run...but in my head I feel like I have given up altogether. How does that make any sense? I still walked 3 miles that day and felt exhausted that evening. I vacillate in my mind between never wanting to run again and being afraid I won't be able to ever finish another run like I want to.

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Today I have a 12 mile run scheduled. I have to wait till my husband gets off work {thus this nervous energy being poured out into this blog post} and then its supposed to be a good 70 degrees today. I feel better, not completley, but I feel like I have to get back out there for this run to prove to myself that all this training I have done....it matters, my body is conditioned, and my mind needs to believe that.

My training is cut down more this week, but I still have at least 4 runs coming up next week as well, and I know there is a purpose in them so I have to focus. 

I can get to the start line of that race, it is only 2 weeks away, I have trained for 14...I can not let my fear of failure paralyze me. I think this is a pattern in my life. If I can't do it, why try? But how will I know unless I do try? I need to give myself permission that doing my best is what I expect from myself...not a full 26.2 of absolutely no walking. I would love that, but my pride will come more from getting my body to cross that finish line one way or the other, that is what I can be proud of myself for doing...no matter if I have to struggle to do it.

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And I think I see this in comparison to my life. I feel like if it gets too hard, or I am not going to be good at it, possibly embarrass myself, or even worse I have lied to myself about being able to do something I really never could, that I would just rather not try. But that is not what life is about. Life is about taking risks, having faith, believing again, trusting in those things that are hard, and learning, living and loving the process as well as the finishing. 

I need to remember that I can already be proud for even getting to this point. That overcoming and getting through this mental battle of somewhere in my heart wanting to quit because I don't trust myself, ability, or God to get me through...is essential. 

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Posted in: marathon, my first 20 mile run, my first marathon, OC Marathon, personal, running, training for marathon