My son finally conceeded to his nap and I had to get a a few thoughts down before this year is officially over! Wow it flew by!
This was an extremely hard year for me in numerous ways
{including or resulting in depression, I am not really sure which}
So I really wanted to get some reflection in my head and heart as I enter into this new year, and these posts, my friends, I think are the ones we will want to look back on the most when we are 60;) I'm guessing??
I found these questions HERE
{via}
EMOTIONAL
- Is there anyone whose forgiveness you need to seek? Nothing but my husband and the Lord really comes to mind, and I am sure if there was still a biggie I would know right away. Those two I am always repeatedly offending, so I hope to address this imminently.
- Is there anyone you need to forgive? There is one person I continually need to forgive and I need to release to the Lord. There are a few other people who I feel hurt and betrayed by as well who I need to forgive regardless if they know or care as well.
- Where is the clutter in my life? Emotionally? I have some unresolved hurt and confusion and I know this clutter would probably ease with some forgiveness, and surrender. I read THIS article a few days ago, I cried through the whole thing, this would be one of my "cluttered" areas.
- What caused me the most stress in 2011? "Planting a church", my extended family, my self loathing
- How am I going to fix that in 2012? Ask God for passion, direction, leading, boldness, for any ministry that may result in my life to come from my deep love for Him and His leading. Have healthy boundaries, know what I can not fix or control and pray, pray more! My self loathing? As the Lord said to me the other day "Perseverance girl, you got it in you!" If He believes in me, I can believe in myself as well. I am going to choose to believe truth over lies and asking Him to renew my mind and awaken my soul.
SPIRITUAL
- Am I closer to God today than January 1? Nope, that is why THIS song always makes me cry. "and with this Christmas wish is missed, the point I could convey, if only I could find the words to say to let you know how much you've touched my life. Because here is where you're finding me in the EXACT same place as New Years Eve and from a lack of my persistence we are less than half as close than I want to be"
- What‟s my spiritual growth process for 2012? I think I was mad for some reason at God this last year. Maybe I couldn't believe that He loved me, maybe I felt drowned by my own life circumstances and felt abandonment by Him, maybe it goes back to that article above and the great disappointment I felt with Him where she says " Disappointment not in the dream. Rather, in the dream Giver. The Giver of all things… life, faith, desire. I know this is Truth. But my reality had shifted to a lie in which the Giver was the Taunter…dangling the proverbial carrot, always in sight; always out of reach.
- I feel like he has started a new chapter for me, back at Thanksgiving actually or around there. And I have thought repeatedly about how I know that He is setting me up for success. To believe and remember again that He loves me deeply, passionately, intimately, and that just because things don't happen as I think they should He has not forgotten me, He has not stopped loving Me. He SEES me, even when I feel unseen. And so I want to run to Him and know Him again and remember who I really AM because of Him. Let Him redefine me, or speak again over me who I am because of Him. I really don't know who I am without Him, He has shaped my life and purpose and I am just a floating soul of meaninglessness without Him. I want to re-estabilsh my relationship with Him, sit with Him, read His words, let Him speak to me, and TRUST Him again.
- Have you scheduled your times with God for January? My first reaction to this question is one of BARF! But I do make times to meet my friends for coffee or lunch or a phone call, so why not with God. I hate feeling "religious" stuffy and "do it because I am supposed to" I want to spend time with God because I love Him and I desperately need Him, but I suppose scheduling times with Him isn't too ritualistic. So, for January, even though I cringe as wince as I write this (knowing how often I fail at these type of things) I am going to attempt to meet with Him Monday Wed and Fri at 630 am.
- All of 2012? Let me take it a step at a time.
RELATIONAL
- Would you rate your marriage a 10? Would your spouse (you might want to ask over a nice dinner)? If it‟s not a 10 ask this question “What would it take in 2012 to make it a 10?”
- I don't think either of us would rate it a 10. This past year has been so, well, you just read all about that. Having one person in the marriage literally hate themselves does nothing much for the marriage I will say. I don't know what can make our marriage a 10, but I know I can control being more sensitive to what He may need and asking him what those things are. {Just so you know I am married to the most amazing man in the world and I know the Lord gave Him to me to show me what love is really like with skin on}
- Same question for each of your kids? My baby is almost 2, I think we have a great relationship for a mom and two year old;)
- Have you scheduled your date nights for January? I am so excited we can even think about doing that this year. Probably most Thursday nights!
INTELLECTUAL
- What are my reading goals for 2012? Read one book a month, ahhhh!
- What am I most curious about? I am curious about God and knowing Him more and seeing Him work
- How am I going to answer that curiosity? Ask Him, I have a few books already lined up
- What seminars am I planning on attending this year? I would love to see Beth Moore
OTHER
- Is there something I am doing that knowing what I know now I wouldn’t do again? Putting unrealistic expectations on people, I do this often, they fail me almost every time.
- How am I going to fix this? Have more understanding and put my expectation on God not those people, who mean well, but are just PEOPLE
- What do I do “best” and how can you do more of it in 2012 and less of what you do “poorly”? What do I do best?
- Well, even now coming out of this self hatred, it's hard for me to think of what I do best. I tend to now look at myself through eyes of failure, but this is a new chapter, a new start. What have I been best at in the past? Speaking and believing truth, standing up for what is right, fighting for myself to believe the truth and fighting to believe it for others. Having faith that NOTHING is impossible with God. Being empathetic with those hurting.
- For me I think its about believing God's truth and most of all accepting His grace. NO ONE is perfect.
- What other persons are you investing in? (teaching, coaching, loving) Besides my son I would say my niece and nephew and a little with my SIL.
- If none, why not? How can I be more intentional about this (specifically)? We plan on starting a small group in January where at least we can invest in some others lives.
- What is a difficult or troubling situation in your life right now? Wondering what God is going to do with us here next, or with us at all. Do we stay, do we go, do we look, do we wait, has He forgotten, does He know?
- What are you pretending NOT to know? That I am scared the Lord has forgotten my hearts desire, that I will be lost forever.
- What is your calling? Is 61 through Him {whatever that looks like} and to be a wife and mom
My word for 2012 is
AWAKENING
That I would be awakened to life, love, truth, God.
"Like the rising sun that shines, from the darkness comes a light,
I hear your voice say this is my...Awakening!"
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