Depression feels like…

I want to first of all write to all of you who left me comments and wrote me personal emails encouraging me where I am at and what I am going through. It does help to know I am not alone in this, that some of you have gone through things like this and how you were helped, how you walked through it. What a blessing you are to me in the time that you took out to encourage a person you have never met. I appreciate you all so much.

Thank you to my family and friends who read this who have reached out to me. There is something powerful in knowing someone cares, even when they can’t fix it.

{img via}

Maybe some of you have never dealt with this depression issue before. Maybe you think it’s a ploy for attention, maybe you think its all mind over matter, or maybe you just don’t have the slightest clue what it feels like, but want to help those you love who are struggling.

I want to share with you what depression feels like, at least to me.

I’m edgy: I feel like the world is against me, I feel like I might break down if someone looks at me the wrong way, no matter where I am or what I am doing. I took my son to the park this morning to play and accidentally pulled out in front of some guy, immediately making gestures of apology. He of course cursed at me, scowled and drove aggressively past. In one instant I both wanted to follow him into the parking lot and tell him off and cry all at the same time. I did neither and went on to the park.

I’m tired: I feel like I am moving in slow motion, it takes great effort to want to get myself ready. I would love to sleep, but I have a son that does not allow for that.

I’m overwhelmed: everything feels like a huge chore that I really can not do. Everything feels harder than it should.

I feel anxious: anxious about my ability to function, think straight, handle things. Going to the mall with my son gives me very high anxiety. I think he is in this testing, active phase where he wants to throw fits and I already feel so tired. Nothing about going out sounds fun to me. I

 still try and do it, but not as much as I might like.

I’m emotional: if I talk about this stuff at all, or think about it even, I am usually crying.

I’m lonely: I feel like a million thoughts are trapped in and running around in my head that I can not talk about, there are just too many of them. I don’t want to ask people to give me hours of their time to listen to me verbally process my junk, that is just unfair. But then it makes me sad that people can’t or don’t want to. I really want to start seeing a therapist for this very reason.

I’m weak/paralyzed: I have nothing to give, I feel like a blob or nothingness, or like I don’t have muscle or something. I feel like when I sometimes cry to myself at night all I can think to say is “help me”.

I’m needy: I need people, I need them really bad in my life right now. I hate being needy, I am the one that usually help, but I am truly at the end of myself. I used to think that I could choose to be better, and how I have tried, but I can not. I need people who know me especially to speak truth to me and fight for my heart, because I lost it.

I’m lost: I know who I used to be, but I lost her and in her place is some girl/woman who I do not like at all.

I am all these things, and I know what is supposed to work to make you “get better” just DO more of this, just DON’T do that. But there is a difference between knowing what your supposed to do and judging yourself when you either don’t do it or feel like you can’t.

My friend who is a psychologist came over yesterday to help me find a doctor. I now need to go through her referrals and figure out who I should go to and when I can go to them. I know now more than ever that I need to do that.

So what can anyone do to help someone who is going through something like this? 

Pray, ask questions, spend time, listen, listen, listen. 

I think I am coming to some sort of pinnacle with all of this. I didn’t want to name it for the past year, I didn’t want to admit that I needed help, I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t make myself feel better and now this is me, being honest and reaching out, because I need that.

{Sabrina Ward Harrison}

The reason I share all this? 

Because maybe then someone new who is reading this won’t feel so alone. Maybe so then someone you know who is sad, you can see a way you might help? Mostly because this is my blog, this a way to record my journey. A journey that I presume will lead to hope and betterment again, but the pain and struggle are a part of me right now, and I would only be a liar if I didn’t share it all.

Please be patient with me if you are waiting on design or emails, I am trying to stay on top of things as much as possible.
Thank you for all being so great!!

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Blogging 101: Blogging Reality with Kristen from Ladybug Blessings

Today we have awesome Kristen from Ladybug Blessings to give us some insights on how to grow and maintain a bigger blog! Check her out, she has all your crafting need to knows, and a great link party every week as well:)

• What does an average week look like for you in upkeep for your blog?

I am like most bloggers and try to schedule my posts ahead of time.  You never know what is going to happen the day of or the day before you are planning to do a post and by scheduling it you can ensure that it will post when you want it to.  I find this is especially helpful for my weekly blog hop because I always want to make sure to get that posted... of course it can mess up sometimes but that is life :)

• What do you think the average blogger doesn’t realize about being a success?

haha, I have no idea.  I know my blog has gotten out there but I don't feel like it is done or anywhere near a success.  I think you keep pushing yourself to new goals.  But one thing I never realized is how much time it actually does take to maintain a blog and to promote it including the commenting, linking etc.  It is also a lot of fun though, I definitely don't think I would do it if it stopped being fun.  

• How did you find you niche?

Trial and error!  There are so many blogs out there and you want to carve your own way in the blogging world.  If all blogs were the same or if they copied off each other it would be a very boring online community!  So I think it is really important to be yourself on your blog because even though you are behind a computer people can tell.  

• Do you set goals for your blog?

Most definitely!  If you don't set goals for yourself you will just stay where you are and not grow.  It also helps you learn new skills and new things you want to experiment with.

• What is something you wish more bloggers knew (in general or specific)?

I think this goes back to finding your niche but blogging is something you should do because you enjoy it, not because you are trying to get a certain number of followers or because you want to get more popular than someone else.  It should be done because you enjoy it and then everything else will fall into place!

• What is one (or some) of your pet peeves in the blogging world?

One of my biggest pet peeves is word verification!  I understand why some people believe it is necessary but I use a spam filter and nothing gets through :)  I think that and music on the site!  While I appreciate good music, sometimes I am blog hopping and viewing more than one blog at one time etc. and to have the music come on at a ridiculously high volume can be frustrating!  

• What are the most important blogging etiquette behaviors?

Oh this a good one!  I do think it is nice when you can visit others blogs.  I know sometimes you get too many comments and it would be impossible to visit everyone but it is nice to go to other blogs and comment every once in a while.  Also, attacking people is not nice.  I think a lot of times people either don't think about what they say or they think because they are just commenting on a post and will remain anonymous (which they may not be) they can say whatever they want and it really isn't the case.  I think as bloggers we have the responsibility to treat people with the golden rule and treat other people's blogs as we want others to treat our blog.

• What are the most important activities for growing your blog?

Commenting and posting!  Hands down!

• What do you do when you have “writers block” or a dry period?

I have a list of blog post ideas and I am constantly adding to them.  They are normally little tidbits or short posts that I can put on my blog but they keep my blog personalized and help me out when I have no idea what to write about!

• Do you have one or two things you would credit the success of your blog to?

Time and commenting.  If you want something to work and you truly enjoy doing it you are going to put time into it.  I think you can't expect to have people coming to your blog overnight, it takes time.  But as long as you enjoy what you are doing people are going to see that and they will start coming!  

• How do you define success?

Success is different for everyone and that is how it should be.  All bloggers should have their own idea of what success looks like to them and once they reach that goal they should reevaluate and see what their new goals are!  But to me success is where I wake up and still enjoy having a blog.  If I would blog whether anyone read it or not, that is success.

• What advice would you give to bloggers who want to grow their blogs?

Be patient, everything takes time and don't give up!  Also, connect with other bloggers who know more than you and can help you.  I can tell you most bloggers are more than willing to help other bloggers out!  

• What is your favorite season and why?

My favorite season is spring, right when it is still a little chilly out but the weather is perfect for wearing a t-shirt and jeans.  I love seeing the dogwoods bloom for that small period and knowing the warmer weather is right around the corner! 

• What do you do when you are not blogging?

Working.  I wish I could blog all the time but I have to pay the bills :)  I also love, love, love to run and am training for my first 1/2 marathon! 

• What is one post you are really proud of?

Wow, I honestly have no idea!  I think I am the most proud of the posts where I truly laid everything out of the line and let everyone know what I was thinking.  It isn't always easy to be completely open on your blog and when I am able to do that I feel so refreshed and open.  It is especially helpful because so many people have different views and opinions and when you have a problem and have people give you advice it is a form of therapy (and it is free!)

--

Kristen Nelson | ladybug blessings

www.ladybug-blessings.com | ldybugblessings twitter 

Thanks Kristen!! Make sure you check out her blog and say hi!!

Here is the line-up you have to look forward to hearing form coming up….

• Katie from Love with Katie
• Mandey from Mama and the Dudes
• Mandy from Sugar Bee Crafts
• Anna from IHOD (In Honor of Design)
• Liz from Liz Marie Blog
• Nikki from Pennies on a Platter
• Mandy from She Breathes Deeply 

Missed ANY?? 

Read them HERE

What tip would you share?

Leave a comment and I will compile them all at the end of the series!

Want to read MORE great blogger interviews?

Check out Amanda from Serenity Now's Series HERE

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Sponsor Eisy Morgan in October!

If you would be interested in a 

Sponsorship Spot

at EisyMorgan check it out HERE

I would love to work with YOU!

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Inspired by YOU Wednesday & Fall Décor Features!!

Welcome back to

 Inspired by YOU Wednesdays!!

Since we are all getting in the 

FALL MOOD

I decided to feature some fall décor items to get us all inspired!

For Mama’s shared this cute argyle fall wreath

Evie from Brown Paper Packages shared her great fabric pumpkin tutorial!

Nikki from Everything Under the Moon shared these great Yarn Pumpkins!!

Katie from Craptastic shared her great and creative autumn porch décor!

Thanks ladies! 

Great job, grab a “I have been featured” button if you would like.

{Hey all it would really be great if you guys can link back to me, I go to feature yall and you have everyone else’s button up where you are linking but mine, kinda sad}

RULES FOR THE PARTY:

• Follow Eisy Morgan
• Visit AT LEAST ONE Link that looks most appealing to you and comment
• Try and put my button somewhere in your post or a word link to a links page
  {buttons are in left side bar.}

That’s it!!!

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Beauty in the Pain

I have had such a hard time knowing what to share through my blog and what might just leave you all depressed, no one loves a Debby Downer. Back when only a few friends and family read my personal blog (and maybe at that) I was much more free and verbally explosive. But maybe it’s not so much the fact that any one of you, my amazing and supportive followers, would read this, but the fact that I can not find the words to describe what I am going through. Maybe that is what scares and frustrates me the most.

 

I don’t value much in myself right now, but something I have always liked about myself is that I have almost a weakness for being vulnerable, maybe too vulnerable, a little too open with the wrong people, but I also think vulnerability can be a strength. So, for what its worth…this is where I am at.

I’m sad. I am not completely sure why either. I guess you can call it depression, but I haven’t seen a doctor so I can’t say that officially. I think something may be off kilter with my hormones. I recently started taking vitamins and they are helping SO MUCH! I can tell such a difference.

I have been inspired by Casey Wiegand to share, share it all…with that quote she always refers to that freed her and speaks to me so much as well …

“I find beauty in not only the beautiful things in life, but the bittersweet and sad as well. To me, there is something poignantly lovely about the human experience from its splendor to its grief. God created all our emotions, not just the happy ones, and for His good purposes. That's why a good cry can feel so good. And hitting our limits forces us to look outside ourselves for a Savior. It is in the plea, when we're at our end, that we can find that which is truly life-giving. Personally, my moments of deepest grief, deepest pain, have resulted in the most beautiful seasons in my heart. I've met God more intimately in those moments than in all the other pleasant ones combined. What isn't completely lovely about that?"-Leslie

The other day I sat with my good friend Holly in Coldstone for two hours crying our eyes out. Her dad passed away a few months ago, she misses him so much, he was the man in her life, she doesn’t know where to go from here. I couldn’t say much because there is not much to say in such pain. But I would tell her I knew even though God didn’t save her dad the way she prayed and believed He would and could, if we really believed He loves us the way we say He does, than I know He cries more for her than I do and I know He will take care of her. 

Then we would talk about my pain and how I pretty much hate myself and feel overwhelmed by my sadness and have forgotten who I am. Can I really even know who I really am without the Lord? We talked about the vines and the branches and not being connected to the source of and how we are a shadow of the people we used to be when we were much closer to the Lord. 
We are both strong women who have been the ones who are there with advice, strength, love, etc. Now we are broken, lost, far from God. We spoke truth to one another, back and forth. I felt ridiculous being needy in front of this girl who has lost her father, but she found giving back from the strength she had forgotten… healing. I think I felt the same thing. And so in the middle of our tear fest at the ice cream shop, I REMEMBERED and there was something so beautiful about having no answers, being in pain, loving each other in spite of it all…right where we are at. 

Nothing has changed, per se, but I want them to. I have believed so many lies, they are deep in my heart. But I am the one who fights, I am the Peter who is a little over zealous for their own good, who many times speaks before they think, who is far too serious, emotional, intense, and really really messed up. If this time was to humble me and give me perspective, well it has been a success in this aspect. 

What is the quote?

"Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded. . . We are, each and every one of us, insignificant people who God has called and graced to use in a significant way. . . On the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas, or honors, but for scars." (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust)

 

And so I must go meet with the one I love, and not DO anything but receive the healing my broken heart needs. 

This is a video I made over a year ago, but its very appropriate for now. God’s song to me, to you too.

I will show you love: Kendall Payne

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