My young adult years with God...
From 14 to 27 I have to admit that most of my prayers were about boys. Boys and asking God what in the world He wanted me to do with my life. I knew I didn't want a "normal" life, but I had no idea what I did want either.
Thus began the adventure of living in constant gracious uncertainty.
I went to college at Biola University immediately after I graduated from high school and started International Studies, with the intent of becoming a missionary. I met some amazing girls there, who I am still friends to this day with...even if it was only for a semester. I started thinking about actually becoming a missionary, and how I would have so much debt, and would I be able to leave the country with that much debt, etc etc.
I decided that I wouldn't be able to live with that, so I left college and all that tuition after one semester.
I had no clue what I would do. I got wrapped up in some silly boys, got some sillier broken hearts, seemed to wander around for a year or two and then decided I needed to get back to my heart, missions. A friends mom reminded me that I seemed most like myself when I was doing that. She was right. I looked up Youth for Christ, saw they had a ministry in the UK, Northern Ireland to be exact. I decided I wanted to go that summer for three weeks on a trip called Summer Serve, and I did.
I fell in love with the country, the people, and three weeks went by too fast. With not knowing what to do next I made plans to go back to Biola. That just didn't feel right to me, and when my loan wasn't coming through I decided I needed to go back to Northern Ireland somehow. I was scared, I was scared that I would be trapped in wandering and nothingness again, I couldn't do that again. I went home, and within a few weeks I was going to NI with Youth with a Mission to do a Discipleship Training School. God provided me all the money within what I recall, seems like was just a week.
This time in Northern Ireland on that YWAM base was a life changing time for me. I again, spent lots of with God in a prayer room there, and yes, still praying lots about whichever boys were in my life. This was one of the first times I spent that much time with Him and focused learning about the Bible and He challenged me, my thinking processes, and showed me how to get to know Him.
I love learning, and I learned so much during that time.
Soon, 6 months was over, and I was headed back to California. I found a full time job as a dispatcher and my skin crawled with the 9-5. I was actually making money, but something wasn't sitting well with me, this wasn't it.
As I look back I realize that this is such a beautiful time of life, trying things, and figuring out what fits you and what does not, but at the time it just seems to last forever and is so frustrating. I bounced around here and there and always felt completley unsatisfied. This became a real pattern in my life, frustrated with my life and that nagging feeling like..nope, this isn't it.
I soon was back in Northern Ireland, this time it would be for 2 and half more years.
This time, as I have written before, was both the hardest and best experience of my life..not that much unlike my marathon. Anything really worth doing or having isn't always easy.
I hope someday to write about specific stories and things that I remember from that time, but even in the hard times...
I knew, I was living it, I was doing it.
Especially my second year being there my time with the people and my time with God seemed almost, charmed. In reflection I am coming to the conclusion that this is much to do with my relationship with God during this time. I was spending loads of time with Him, made a room in our house just as a place to pray and would spend time talking aand listening to Him. Amazing, miraculous thing happened that year.
I was closer to the Lord than I ever had been and been since. He spoke such personal and beautiful love over me during that time. And I think, ever since that time...I have desperately wanted to bottle all those moments, feelings, conversations into something I can carry with me and relive over and over and over again, it's something I feel like I constantly chase after or look for...where are more of those moments.
But at the end of that year a friend said to me,
"Just because you love the summer doesn't mean it's wise to keep wearing shorts in the winter in hopes it will be the same. But it also means that summer won't come again".
How true that was.
And after that time of summer slipped away, it was not ever the same. Not the people, not the places, not the moments, and not my relationship with the Lord. I came home early from that program and a few months later started what seemed like a very dark and hard time that was a bit lifeless and a bit too dragged out if you ask me.
We lost my grandfather and 8 months later to the day we lost my grandmother. My mom went into a depression that not even she was aware of. I was a fill in youth director for my church temporarily. Survival. My relationship with God staggered here a bit. I felt stagnant. Add to this my increasing awareness and frustration with being single and I was mad with Him that if I wasn't going to be married and be a mom, at least He could help me find something worth while to do in the meantime.
{I also plan on writing more on being single and waiting soon, as well.}
I decided to go back to school, maybe I would become a psychologist. I moved out of my parents house, got a job, went to school, lost 20 lbs, volunteered as youth leader, I was busy. Life was full. During this time is when I felt like I felt a bit of that passion returning.
When God teaches me something, I feel like I learn it deeply and I want to share it,
and like I said, it burns in my heart.
Only a few months later I was dating my now husband. All this time praying for him, praying about him, looking for him all over the world, and there he was ...right were I started, in my church back home..both of us volunteering with the youth. This time was obviously amazing, how could it not be. I felt God pour out His blessings on us and our preparation to get married. Read our love story
HERE.
To be continued in part 3....
